The cliche about marriage is that it is “hard work.” The work of marriage is – Compromise and Connection.  Couples have to work hard to compromise, because most people usually just want our own way.  The area this surprising is connection.  Couples have to work to create regular shared experiences that create connection.

Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee interviewed successful couples to find out how people define a happy marriage. This list is the work of marriage.  These areas create the soil that grows compromise and connection.  They report their results in a helpful book called The Good Marriage. Here is a list of things they found that go into the making of a happy marriage:

In many relationships, women become surprised when suddenly their partner becomes stone deaf during an argument. When men stop listening, women naturally turn up the volume, hoping to blast the wax from their husbands ears. What’s aggravating is that this makes it worse.  Instead of understanding what’s bugging their wives, men dig in their heels and defend their actions. This is when most women get really mad, so they crank their emotional thermostat to the max and blast their husband with more heat. This makes it worse and for most men they become more deaf, more defensive, or they just completely withdraw emotionally for physically for the discussion and sometimes the relationship.

Do you need a good reason to convince your partner to kiss more often? Research has given you a good argument.  Kissing not only better for your relationship — it’s also better for your heart. An Arizona State University study found that couples who were told to kiss more often reduced both their stress and cholesterol — and increased their happiness. Take the time to pucker up and feel better.

The thing that I think is the most important is taking moments to express your appreciation to your partner. A thank you or a quick kiss can go a long way toward affirming your relationship and commitment to each other. That’s not hard to do even when you’re juggling insane careers and three kids. – Michael Ian Black

Here is the reference for those nerds want to read the study

Floyd, K., Boren, J. P., Hannawa, A. F., Hesse, C., McEwan, B., & Veksler, A. E. (2009). Kissing in marital and cohabiting relationships: Effects on blood lipids, stress, and relationship satisfaction. Western Journal of Communication, 73(2), 113-133. doi:10.1080/10570310902856071

Marriage happiness is simple. You have to stay connected. Here are a couple of tips to help you Stay Connected.

1) Make every effort to know each other:

…emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world… these couples have what Gottman calls a “love map” that gives them connection to each other.  They remember and celebrate the important facts from the present and the past of their shared history.

“they are no longer two but one flesh” – Matthew 19:6

2) “When couples communicate they make every effort to avoid using the word you and try to use the word I.”  This will make it easier to express feelings and much harder to accuse or attack the other person.

3) How you begin and end the day is important. “Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.” The goal is to connect each day helping each other to reduce the stress of the day that can affect the relationship.

“Greet one another with the kiss of love” 1 Peter 5:14

Here is some helpful information:

• “…an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by roughly 35% and even shorten your life by an average of four years.”
• “I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.”

The information and quotes in this post is from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Other posts about this book are What Destroys a Marriage, Our Biggest Responsibility in Marriage

It is not the differences that hurt marriages it is how a couple deal with them. Most couples argue about the same 6 arugments that every couple has Dr Gottmans research says that 69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual. These 6 problems don’t go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year.

What Destroys a Marriage?

We get married hoping and dreaming of the future. Everyone wants and believes that their marriage will last a lifetime. So how do these dreams get dashed on the rocks of despair for far to many couples? Some marriages fail because of addiction, adultery, or abuse but, most marriage fail because over time they become disconnected through a pattern of communication and neglect.

Is it possible to predict whether marriage will last?  Researcher Dr. John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. Gottmans research has been the benchmark that others have used to understand how to improve marriage and his research has identified four types of communication that destroys a marriage.