I enjoy research because it helps me to understand why and how something works, and how to make it better. Research about relationships and marriage is fascinating because of the tools that it gives to create connected relationships.  With that said what I love is the truth I find in scripture.

There’s nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us. 2 Timothy 3:14-17 MSG

I started as a young boy going to scripture for answers.  The Bible helped to give me guidance and a foundation to build life and relationships on.  I was blessed as a child to have grandparents and parents that fostered that love of scripture.

Here are a few verses that have been a guide to me.  Read them over and meditate on them.  I really believe that scripture should create a reaction.  The reaction should create change in our heart and mind.

I am surprised and saddened by how little couples are willing to live with.  I don’t mean stuff.  I mean relationship.  Couples tend to accept things the way that they are, believing that change will never happen, and then become afraid to voice their opinion.  People become busy or resentful and settle for less.  They may start out arguing about the crumbs that they give each other, but over time they seem to give up.  Couples that don’t argue are sometimes more wounded and disconnected then couples that argue all the time.

Happiness in marriage is not determined by how many arguments that you have.  Happiness is determined by how well you repair.  Couples fight and never repair, or worse they stop connecting.  The main reason that couples settle for less is that they become disconnected and stop growing together.  Then over time they give up and settle into ruts.  Here are some ways that couples give up:

What do strong, happy  couples do that make them happy?  Last week I posted Struggling Couples Make 2 Mistakes. This week I wanted to let you know what does research show will bring happiness to a marriage. When you see that happy couple laughing and cuddling at the movies or mall.  What are they doing right?  Happy couples have some common traits. Every couple is unique and different but their are common characteristics that make great fulfilling marriages.  Happy couples respond to each other with kindness as they experience life together.  Here are two things that happy couples do well.

We get married with a dream, a desire that marriage will be wonderful.  Life begins to happen and the couple starts to doubt that the dream will come true and hope begins to fade. They lose connection and struggle with compromise.  The lies set in, “is this what marriage is going to be like.”  Every marriage has seasons of struggle.  The problem for couples is that they lose hope when the season lasts to long. Marriage never changes with good intentions, it changes with intentional effort.  The problem for many marriages is that they put the effort in the wrong places or they just give up.

I genuinely believe that every marriage can be great, because I believe that God can redeem and restore anything.  I have seen Him do it again and again.  Don’t lose hope.  Here are two stumbling blocks to the process of change for hurting couples…. well every couple needs to avoid these attitudes.

We are a couple weeks into the year.  Some resolutions are starting to fade, some are sticking.  The most exciting part of change is that you can start it anytime of the year.  Change can happen this year.  Here are some simple things you can do now even without a resolution and create an atmosphere of connection and change.

I remember hearing people say during my childhood, “marriage is work”.  As a kid that meant something bad.  Work was something to get out of, and it never changed.  If marriage was work would I just try to get out of it because it never changed.  As an adult after over thirty years of marriage I have come to realize that the work of marriage is Compromise and Connection.  The good news is that they can get easier and they do change.

Seeing compromise as work makes sense because you are both different.  You have to compromise if you want to have any peace, and you can’t always get your own way.  Read the blog post 6 Arguments Every Couples Has to understand more about compromise.  The connection part surprises most.  What starts out so easy becomes hard.  The ability to connect and stay connected as a couple comes from shared experiences.  These shared experiences answer questions we ask consciously and unconsciously.

Every marriage has emotional question around security and connection. Susan Johnson in her book Hold Me Tight,  suggests three basic questions:

The first step toward a changed marriage and contentment with your spouse is to focus on the only thing you can control and change – yourself.  Marriages that struggle have one thing in common.  They focus on the other as the source of their unhappiness.  They begin to believe that the other is the cause of their struggles and they are depriving them of happiness.  Struggling couples make their spouse the focus of change.  They believe if they will just change, or if I could get out of this marriage then I would be happy.

I have heard many times, “I am not in love with my spouse anymore”.  The person begins to believe they need to get out, they need a new marriage to be happy.  Every marriage has seasons of struggle and change.  The key is to change and adjust as your both grow.  The marriage has to change as the people change.  Every couple needs a new perspective on marriage.

Most marriages start with the hope, the belief that they will be happy.  The sad part is happiness is replaced with a rigid closed marriage that is stressed with tasks.  When this happens hope begins to fade, they feel stuck.  Inside you begin to ask  “Do I Need a New Marriage or a New Perspective on Marriage?” I think you need both.

We have all heard the phrase, “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Is their any truth to it?  Researchers evaluated the survey of 18,000 adults 50 years old and older.  Here are some of their conclusions:

“Happy wife, happy life. But it cuts the other way, Miserable wife, miserable life.

if a man is unhappy in the relationship but the wife is happy, she’s more likely to provide him benefits that enhance his overall life — she’ll engage in sexual relations, provide emotional support and take on household chores.

As for why women’s happiness doesn’t seem to be affected by their husbands’ marital satisfaction, researchers conjectured that wives generally have no idea if husbands are happy with marriages or not because men aren’t socialized to discuss feelings, good or bad.

If a wife is unhappy with her marriage, she’s going to do something about it,  She might complain; she might be less forthcoming with love and support. Men are not the ones to say, ‘We need to talk about the relationship.’ If they’re unhappy, they’re going to sit in their chair and stew over it.” – Rutgers Research