We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.” For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God. – Romans 15:1-7 ESV

If you search for good, you will find favor; but if you search for evil, it will find you! – Proverbs 11:27 (NLT)

One of the keys in marriage is always believing that your spouses intentions are for your good. The struggle is that we usually are more willing to believe the worst. In the happiest relationships, they are steadfast in their belief that their spouse cares about them and has no intention of hurting them, even if they couldn’t completely explain what had happened.

And the truth is that they really are for you not against you.  In my experience only a tiny fraction of partners no longer cared about their spouse. Even in struggling, difficult marriages, most of the time, the hurt was not intended. In happy marriages, the offended spouse chooses to believe that; in unhappy marriages, they don’t.

For most of us, “searching for good” in our lives or spouse is difficult when we are in pain, it is not our usual response. It is so easy to gauge what the other person intended by how we feel in the moment. But gauging your life by your feelings can be dangerous.

I know at time the intentions and behaviors of people we love aren’t good. But in most situations, they don’t want to hurt the people they care about the most.

The choice to search, understand and believe a more generous explanation may not come easily at first. Try to bring your feelings in line with what you know to be true about their heart and character. And once you see, over time, that the “good” explanation is usually the real one, you become fully convinced that this person is “for” you.

Better yet, as you see in Proverbs 11:27, by expecting the best, you bring out the best. We all know this deep down; we just have to act on it. And when we do, everything changes

James 1:19, Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (NLT)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Love is patient and kind … It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT)

Speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind – 1 Thessalonians 5:11 MSG

Marriage is a journey friends growing together toward God.  The problem is that discouragement, challenges and life get in the way of enjoying the journey.  The pots holes of discouragement, stress and conflict problem can weaken hope. Every journey must include hope.  Hope is a confident expectation for something, but hope must have a foundation. You must grow a foundation of hope that will guide you along the journey.

You are not together by accident.  This was not a mistake.  Their is a purpose and meaning for the two of you to be together.  Find or rediscover why you are together. God has you together to make him famous and to grow you into the image of Christ.  After over thirty years of marriage I am convinced that God has used my wife as part of my curriculum of Christlikeness.  I have learned more about love, sacrifice, joy, patience and relationships through my marriage than anything else I have experienced.  I know that God has used my marriage to change me and the world I live in.  So often we see the challenges of marriage as hindrance to the life we want.  I am convinced that God will use your marriage to form Christlikeness in you.  The joy is the knowledge that in this journey God will give you Himself, and that is where real happiness is found.

Show your spouse that you believe in them. It is so important to know that someone is on your side, especially when you’ve made a mistake. Be generous with your kindness and support while showing unconditional love. Offer a shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. Remind your partner of the wonderful qualities that you fell in love with, and why they are the person you love and look forward to growing old with.

I know that this paragraph is hard for some…. because you don’t feel this.  Ask God to daily show you the small things and ways that are unique and special about them. Remember they were made in the image of God, so in them resides something strong and beautiful. Show gratitude for who they.  In time gratitude will produce love.  Love can come back, allowing you to say, that you believe in your spouse also.

You and your marriage are not alone.  This truth has brought more comfort than anything else in my life.  No matter what happens in your life or your marriage you are not alone, God is with you.  Nothing escapes Him or surprises Him.  He has a plan to prosper and increase your life.  That plan and hope will come alive as you invite him into the journey with your spouse.

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 MSG

“It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.” 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 MSG

Touch is part of how we create a strong bond and connection as we build a relationship with our spouse.  It has an important role in communication, intimacy and creating a connected marriage. When you touch your spouse you are acknowledging their presence and communicating your desire for them. That’s why most successfully married couples touch often.

Here are 3 types of touch or stages of touch that every marriage should practice.

• Stage One – Intimate Companions – This type of touch is designed to show affection and interest, not get a sexual response.  This type of touch is things like holding hands, rubbing shoulders, a small kiss or hug, walking arm in arm together.  This is touching anywhere a one piece bathing does not cover.  The goal is bonding in this stage.
• Stage Two – Playmates – This type of touch is sexual touch but is not designed as foreplay or with the goal of intercourse or orgasm.  This type of touch is things like a long lingering hug when you greet each other or say goodbye, Cuddling on the sofa or bed while your hands roam or even taking a shower together. Make sure that your hug or kiss is at least 5 or 10 seconds long for more effective results!  I know this may seem odd but the goal is to play together without the pressure of intercourse or orgasm.  Men this is so important to your wife.  She needs to know she can relax without the pressure of sex.  The goal is tender playfulness.
• Stage Three – Lovers – This type of touch is the full range of touch and lovemaking that God ordained for the marriage bed. The goal is making love.

Many couples make the mistake of thinking that stage 3 is the goal.  Focus on stage 1 and 2 and you will be surprised how much richer stage 3 becomes.  The more that you learn to practice all of these stages the deeper and more satisfying your intimacy and relationship will be.  Learn to enjoy touching and showing affection as the priority not just how quickly you can get to sex. Remember marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.  Put thier needs first and you will live a blessed life.

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” – 1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV

To read more about the stages of touch look at Total Intimacy: A Guide to Loving by Color by Douglas Rosenau, Deborah Neel

In John 13, Jesus is eating a meal with the disciples, his closest companions in the last hours before being crucified. The disciples were having a conversation about which one of them was the greatest, after Jesus gave them the example of washing their feet. In that culture washing someone’s feet was a demeaning task, but the example that Jesus showed is that the greatest was the servant. Jesus does not condemn them for wanting to be great, he just flips it upside down.  To be great is to be the servant.  He introduces the idea that servant leadership is how you change the world.  Followers of Jesus should have the heart of a servant. The disciples must have been stunned by both His example and His message.

As Christ followers, when we are around friends, among strangers, and especially within our marriages, we are to be servants. We are to put others’ needs ahead of our own.

A husband and wife who make the priority to selflessly serve one another have discovered the secret of a great marriage.

Why is serving each other so important in marriage? The heart of a servant will develop three qualities:

• Equality – Men and women are absolutely equal.  No one is better than the other.  Skills, intellectual or ability do not determine value.  The heart of a servant toward your spouse or children says, “I am not better than you.”  The goal is to serve with their needs and interest in mind not yours.  God served us first by sending Christ to die for us.
• Humility – I think true humility is about knowing who you are.  Not thinking to highly or to lowly of yourself.  Your goal is to make a difference in the small things like folding clothes, doing the dishes, cleaning toilets, or watching the kids.   Nothing is beneath you if it benefits your spouse. Your desire should be to be the chief foot washer in your home.
• Intimacy – In Matthew 6:21, Jesus said, “Wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Where you invest your time, talent and money is where your passion will be. If you’re pouring all your time and abilities into your work, or your children, or your hobbies, that will become what you treasure most. First and foremost pour your passion into a relationship with Christ, then before your job, hobbies or kids pour your time and abilities into serving your spouse.  If you make Christ first and your spouse second, your connection and intimacy will grow.  Continually investing in each other will help you to stay passionate for each other, sharing your life and intimacy together.

The best marriages are made of two servants in love. Put each other first and you’ll discover the marriage of your dreams.

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galatians 5:13, ESV

Friendship is the well of marriage.  You drink from it when times are hard and celebrate from it when times are great.   If you have a deep emotional connection that is created through friendship you can make it through anything.  Always keep friendship alive with shared experiences together.

“It is when we are doing things together that friendship springs up — painting, sailing ships, praying, philosophizing, and fighting shoulder to shoulder. Friends look in the same direction.” C.S. Lewis

Marriage without friendship won’t work in our hectic culture.  Friendship has to be nourished and nurtured regularly or it faces the danger of becoming two opposite lives that never connect. Couples that don’t develop and nurture their friendship often drift apart.

A weakened friendship can create an opening for marital infidelity.  If a couple drifts apart and fails to nurture the friendship it can lead a spouse to seek intimacy in other places. You have to share your hopes, dreams, successes and struggles with your spouse, if you don’t you are vulnerable to sharing them with someone else of the opposite sex.  When couples let their friendship take a back seat, friendships outside the marriage can result in emotional, and even physical, adultery. Sometimes these kinds of friendships outside the marriage are obviously easier. The problem is we are comparing a relationship outside the marriage that has the luxury of no responsibility and is hidden in the dark to all the struggles of cleaning toilets, paying bills and raising kids together, that happens in a real marriage.  It is easy to see that deep emotional intimacy between a spouse and another of the opposite sex wrong, however, if you’re investing emotional capital in a same-sex relationship at the peril of the marriage, then that is also dangerous.

In marriage the question is am I investing more time and emotional energy into my spouse than I am in a friend or child? Or, where is it that I’m investing most of my times and emotional energy?

A struggling friendship in marriage can be restored with intentional time together, sacrifice, perseverance, and especially prayer. A good first step is to find activities that you like to do together – and then make the time do it. Learn to make the priority of regular shared experiences that nurture friendship.

We are surprised when relationships become difficult.  It is confusing for some couples how something that used to feel so natural and easy starts to struggle.  Don’t be surprised when you have to work at the relationship to keep it vibrant.  The “work” of marriage is compromise and connection.

• Compromise – You both have an opinion and a preference. You don’t want to marry someone just like you, because your differences create attraction.  Every marriage will need to learn how to compromise. You will not always get your way.
• Connection – The area that surprises people the most is staying connected and close.  The busyness of life pulls us apart making connection a constant struggle. Lean to be intentional with time together.  Intimacy is shared experiences together, so create experiences that include laughter, play and touch.

A great marriage is when two people work together and create compromise and connection.

If you want something to last a lifetime, you treat it differently.  You will protect it from the elements.  You will give it the care it needs.  If something breaks you will repair it – you will not avoid it, or scream at it.  It will become more special over time because of all the effort you have put into it.  It will become more beautiful as it ages.  Marriage should be no different, make it last a lifetime.  Have the marriage that others admire in a way that makes them ask questions about God.

We are always building something.  The problem is most of the time we are building careers and building our bank account but we seem to never get around to building our marriage, until we get in a crisis.

Sometimes the most dangerous word in any relationship, especially marriage is…. Tomorrow

We all begin to believe, “After all… tomorrow is another day” we will deal with this tomorrow. Tomorrow you will go on a date night. Tomorrow you will find a babysitter and spend quality time together. Tomorrow you will be home from work on time. Tomorrow you will sit down for dinner together. Tomorrow you will work on your budget. Tomorrow you’ll take time for sexual intimacy. Tomorrow you’ll resolve that conflict.

Tomorrow you promise yourself will be different, yet tomorrow is too often a repetition of today. Tomorrow always promises more than it delivers and delays the marriage you truly desire.

Most marriages are nearly destroyed by, “tomorrow.” Tomorrow we’ll go to counseling. Tomorrow we’ll make time for each other. Tomorrow we’ll make changes. Tomorrow we’ll be intentional…until there was almost no tomorrow.

We can’t get better at anything today by waiting until tomorrow. Pushing things to tomorrow creates the “under promise and over deliver” sham.  It doesn’t work.

Today is the day to:

• Go for a walk
• Send that text over lunch saying you miss her / him
• Set media aside for an hour and talk
• Go see a movie or date night
• Have dinner around the table and not on the couch

Do something different, so you can have something different.

Couples usually have slightly different variations of the same fight over and over again. They unconsciously repeat old patterns as a way to cling to the familiar while at the same time hoping that it will turn out differently this time. It may have to do with an attempt to heal old wounds, often from their arguments around these topics:

• families that you grew up in
• struggles with the kids
• how money is handled
• the quantity or quality of sex
• whether or not you are helping each other around the house

Once you start seeing and understanding the pattern, an opportunity for real healing and growth can occur in your relationship. I also often tell couples that creating a strong connection to your partner doesn’t happen in a dramatic crescendo like in the movies. Healthy couples have daily acts and small moments of letting one another into their internal worlds.

The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.  Taking the time to listen and understand can communicate love and respect sometimes more than our spoken words. We need to feel heard and understood to create the safety of intimacy. Learn to develop an attentive attitude willing to listen with  your heart with the desire to understand before being understood.  Here are five things your can do to help you listen better.

“There is a difference between truly listening & waiting for your turn to talk.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

1. Stop Talking – You cannot listen when you are talking. You will only be thinking about your response instead of paying attention to what the other person is trying to say. Consciously focus your attention on your spouse.  “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” – Proverbs 18:13
2. Be patient, Don’t interrupt –  Allow plenty of time for your spouse to convey ideas and meaning. Be courteous and give them the adequate time to present the full message. “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” – Proverbs 21:23
3. Don’t Get Mad – Try to keep your own emotions from interfering with your listening and empathy. When anger and frustration is high, there is a tendency to tune out your spouse, become defensive, or want to give advice. You don’t have to agree to be a good listener. Don’t argue, because, even if you win, you lose. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear,slow to speak, slow to anger” – James 1:19
4. Empathize With Them – Try to walk in the other’s shoes so you can feel what that person is feeling and understand the point of view your spouse is trying to convey.  You have to get to understanding before you can ever get to agreement. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” – Proverbs 18:2 
5. Relax, Smile and Pay Attention – Look at your spouse and help them feel free and safe to talk. Look and act interested. Remove distractions: turn off the TV and electronics; close the door; stop what you are doing, and pay attention.

The love you have for your wife should be marked by giving not getting.  Move toward her to serve and give not consume.  Here are 3 Ways to Love Your wife like Christ loved the church.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – Ephesians 5:25

1. Be A Servant – The servant is the greatest model of Christ’s love for us.  Guys you are the chief foot washer in your family.  After Jesus washed his disciples feet He said – “I’ve laid down a pattern for you. What I’ve done, you do. I’m only pointing out the obvious. A servant is not ranked above his master; an employee doesn’t give orders to the employer. If you understand what I’m telling you, act like it—and live a blessed life.” John 13:12-17 MSG  Guys if you truly understand and believe this, “act like it – and live a blessed life.” 
   Guys your are the chief foot-washer in your family. Serve your wife with love

   Powered By the Tweet This Plugin

   Tweet This
2. Be Compassionate and Understanding –  Jesus had compassion on everyone He interacted with.  He showed concern and understanding.  “Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground” – 1 Peter 3:6-8 MSG
3. Be Willing to Sacrifice – Jesus was willing to sacrifice everything.  You must be willing to sacrifice time and words.  She needs to know she is a priority, you show this with the sacrifice of your time, words and energy.  I have learned every relationship has to start with sacrifice.  Jesus started it with the sacrifice of His life on a cross. The way you sacrifice for her is to give up something that you want to serve her.  This is the tough one guys, but you will be amazed at how God will bless you and your family through your sacrifice.  You must start it daily with the sacrifice of serving her first.

Remember to:

• You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind – Matthew 22:36
• You shall love your neighbor as yourself – Matthew 22:39 (Your Wife is your 1st Neighbor, Your kids are 2nd)

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:25-28

Your life and love should be marked by giving not getting

Powered By the Tweet This Plugin

Tweet This