I am starting to ask myself am I serving others more than I serve my spouse? Who or what gets the best of me? Would the people I work with see me as a servant hearted leader, and my wife and family see me as difficult and demanding? My desire is to serve and love my wife. I want that to be actions not just words. What comes to your mind if you ask yourself these questions?
I pray and serve others every day. Some would say I pray professionally. Each day people come to me and ask me to pray and talk about their problems. I pray out loud or silently for each person that comes into my office. My desire is to serve them and meet them at their point of need. To be aware, present and attentive in the hard, hurting, and ugly places of peoples lives with the heart of a servant. In my head is the thought “I want those that know me the most to love me the most not those who know me the least”. Your best love, service and care should be for your family, not just the leftovers.
People 100 years old were surveyed about marriage, family, and happiness. Here are some statements the centenarians made about marriage:
“Have more understanding.”
“Plan and do things together.”
“Do not get divorced; make it work.”
“Respect, trust, and forgive.”
“Say I love you more often”
Connected couples remember. They look back at their shared history fondly. They remember how they met and how positive they felt. They talk about how they fell in love. They even talk about the tough times. They admire and draw strength from the struggles that they have made it through. This type of remembering creates new warm emotions about the joys and experiences from your shared past.
“Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You’ll find what you need to furnish it–memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey.” –Ted Williams
Happy Couples learn the little ways their partner is asking for attention. Dr John Gottman studied 120 newlyweds. He discovered that the couples who stayed together after six years paid attention and responded to the small ways their partner asked for attention 86 percent of the time. This is compared to couples that responded only 33 percent of the time and later divorced. We all want to know that someone is aware, and responds to the small needs. We want to believe that someone values us and shows it by being attentive. These are small things like knowing what we like to eat or a small hug, being aware of what we need when we are tired or stressed. Look for the little things, they are an opportunity to connect.
For my wife and I, our worst arguments have always come out of times where we were the most disconnected and stressed. I have found that I hear her differently when we are connected. I want to hear her advice and feelings more after we share experiences together. Being right is less important than enjoying our time together. Arguments will go much better if you work at sharing experiences and staying connected. Every couple argues, the key is to try and understand each other and stay connected. Below are some ways that will help you to understand each other and stay connected.
Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2-3
10 Hours…. Yes 10 hours a week. Less than 6% of the available hours that you have each week. You get 168 hours each week. How do you spend them? What takes the most of your time? Here is a rough guess.
- 40 Hours Sleeping – 7 hours a night
- 50 Hours at work – most of us work more than 40 hours
- 15 Hours Hygiene – a little over 2 hours a day.
- 20 Hours – Eating and preparing meals.
- 125 Hours total – Now this is the bear minimum you do for the basics of life
That leaves 43 hours left each week, 6 hours each day, for what matters to you most. How do you spend those? What will give you the most bang for your buck with the 43 hours you have left? Relationships are what will matter most over the span of your life. The quality of your relationships is the real health and wealth of your life. The relationship that you have with God, yourself and your spouse is what matters most. Here are 3 things you can easily do for around 10 hours a week, that will change your marriage.
I have found as social media has grown, so has our ability to create a false self or image. Marriage is the one place I can’t do that. My wife sees my struggles and successes. She experiences how I handle disappointment….How I handle temptation….How I handle life and the relationships in it. She really knows me, and the amazing thing is she still loves me. God uses her acceptance and love to create change in my heart. Her love is a mirror of how Christ’s love and kindness leads us to repentance Romans 2:4. I think this is the mystery that Paul talks about in Ephesians. Unconditional love takes our breath away and creates the soil of transformation. The love a couple has should be a model of the true love and grace found in Christ. Ephesians 5:22-33
“It’s an act of our will to choose to see people simply as wildly loved by God, to assume their beauty before guessing their depravity.” Mary DeMuth
I think every relationship has highs and lows, in fact many marriages really struggle. I am always concerned when a couple becomes so discouraged that they lose hope. They lose any expectation that the relationship will get better. This loss of hope creates the belief that they only have two choices:
- Stay in a empty painful marriage…..or
- Get a divorce.
Could a third choice be possible? Can you change a bad marriage? Is it possible to change a marriage that has been struggling? Marriages that have had consistent conflict, affairs, addictions and anger can change. I know at times it is hard to see but, there is hope. A third option is really possible. I have seen real change. I have experienced real change. Change is complicated and hard but small things can create big change. Remember attitude is everything. Allow God to create a teachable attitude in you and look for small consistent change. Here are seven ideas and actions that you can implement now.
