Children are a blessing that represent the laughter and intimacy of your relationship, they are a true gift from God.  Ask any couple that has prayed or struggled to have children and they will confirm that every child is a miracle. The challenge of every couple is to still make their marriage a priority.  Your children’s greatest need is to have a safe loving home.  So often couples become so child focused that they forget each other.  It is vital that you love each other well, especially in front of the children. You are modeling marriage to them, and you are creating their family of origin that will guide them and their future children. I know that sounds like a lot of pressure, but be intentional about your kids and your marriage.  Research points out that martial satisfaction and enjoyment slip when kids come.  If couples work at staying connected the enjoyment can return as the kids become more independent.  Here are a some thing you can do to keep connection strong.

 Children are a blessing
    and a gift from the Lord – Psalms 127:3

Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord – Psalms 127:3

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1. Be each other’s biggest fan – Praise each other to other people, as well as to your children.  Your spouse needs to hear you support, encourage and praise them to your family, friends and kids.
2. Plan child-free couple vacations – You may not be able to schedule a whole week away but, don’t use that as an excuse to do nothing.  Start where you can, maybe just one night away with the goal of scheduling a weekend away soon.
3. Present a united front – This means you always have each other’s back, no matter what.
4. Keep the baby out of the bed – Bedtime is the hardest for most parents.  You must start early in the kids lives to make this happen.  Every time you bend and allow them in your bed it gets harder to put them back in their beds.  Stay strong and firm with this, you need this time together as a couple.
5. Respect each others needs – This is less about martial needs and more about emotional needs.  This is things like time together and apart.
6. Play with the kids together – Their is something warm and positive to watch your partner play with the kids.  This family bonding time can create safety and support that will carry you through some tough times.

Your kids are learning about marriage by watching you.  Treat your spouse the way you want their future spouse to treat them.

kids are learning about marriage watching you Treat your spouse the way you want their future spouse to treat them

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For many families the holidays are about the wonder of a child enjoying Christmas.  You must experience the wonder and mystery of the holiday season for yourself before you can give that to your children.  The problem is that we try to create the perfect experience for our kids.  The perfect gifts, tree and holiday cookies.  Relax and enjoy the wonder not the gifts.  More than anything your families needs time and experiences with you.  Don’t live the holidays through your children, let them live the wonder through you instead.  This means that you must relax and avoid the trap of becoming a helicopter parent.  A helicopter parent is a parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child or children.  The goal is for your children to experience the wonder and joy of Christmas, that comes from the overflow of your heart, not gifts.  Keep the wonder, beauty and mystery of Christmas alive in your heart.

So are you a helicopter parent? Here are some simple tests from author Lythcott-Haims:

1. Check your language. “If you say ‘we’ when you mean your son or your daughter – as in, ‘We’re on the travel soccer team’ – it’s a hint to yourself that you are intertwined in a way that is unhealthy.”

2. Examine your interactions with adults in your child’s life. “If you’re arguing with teachers and principals and coaches and umpires all the time, it’s a sign you’re a little too invested,” she said. “When we’re doing all the arguing, we are not teaching our kids to advocate for themselves.”

3. Stop doing their homework. Enough said.

It’s exciting to see children light up with the excitement and joy of Christmas.  The light In a child’s eye is all it takes to make Christmas a magical time.  What things can you do to create the memories of Christmas?

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Take a minute and think about the Christmases that you remember from your childhood.  How many presents do you remember?  I don’t remember that many presents, but I do remember the rituals and experiences that we had together. I remember ice skating and sledding with my family and friends.  The stories and warmth of family time around the wonder of Christmas.  These are the things I remember most and want to share with my own children.  Several studies have pointed out that experiences together bring more happiness than possessions.  Here are just a couple quick ideas that you can think about.  Create experiences and joy with your kids.  Remember you are creating their memories of Christmas.

• Playful Time Together not just Gifts – They want time with you.  Quality time in the mind of a child is quantity of time. They want you to be involved and interested in their world and work.  The world and work of a child is play.  Slow down and play with them.
• Create Traditions – The strength and memory of most families is the traditions that they have.  Create traditions that they can take part in and remember.  My daughter and I would do things like make cinnamon roles together on the 23rd of December every year and we would sing Christmas carols as we put the tree up.  Make them fun and memorable as you celebrate together the joy of Christ and family.
• Help them Understand that Jesus is the  Reason for the Season – Use the wonder and joy of the birth of Christ to help them see that He is still God with Us.  You have to talk about Jesus and emphasize this through your decorations and activities that Jesus is the focus and reason of the season Christmas.
• Help them Learn the Joy of Giving to Others – Show them the joy of giving.  Let them catch the joy from you.  This is something that you have to model rather than just tell them.  Find others that are in need and help them as a family.  Help your children see that Christmas involves more than the gifts they get from Santa.
• Model Forgiveness and Peace – The birth of Jesus brought eternal forgiveness and peace.  Try to regularly bring forgiveness and peace to your marriage and home.  Your kids need to see that you are warm and kind with each other after a fight.  They need to see you ask for forgiveness when you have made a mistake.  These experiences can be powerful for a child.
• Love Your Spouse Well – What every child needs more than anything is that mom and dad love each other well.  I am not saying perfect, just well.  The safety and security of your love is vital for the development of themselves and others.

Your kids will remember you time more than anything.  Give them the gift of a relationship with you and Jesus who is the reason for the season of Christmas.  Would you add anything to this list?

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”
― Charles Dickens

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”― Peggy O’Mara

This quote got me thinking.  What does our children’s inner voice sound like?  What does my inner voice sound like?  My first reaction was to feel discouraged and beat myself up for all the things I had said and done in a negative, selfish or reactive way.  Good indication what my inner voice sounds like.  After I came back down from that negative reaction, trying to not feel defeated and inadequate, I tried to come up with some ways to be proactive. Below are just a few ideas.

• What can I do to change my children’s inner voice?
  • Increase my awareness.  So much of what we do is reactive parenting.  Try to pause and become more aware of how you speak and interact.
  • Give them time.  This is how your child spells love…..TIME.  Quality time is important but the quantity is the key.  Give the attention, affection and approval with your time.
  • Look for ways to say Yes.  At times it feels like the only thing you and your children say is “NO”.  Look for small ways to say “yes”.  They need to hear and feel your pleasure and permission.
  • Read to them. Make this a fun nurturing time.  If you are stressed and they are fidgety, then wait.  Wait minutes, not hours and days.  Give yourself and them time to calm down, don’t give up and walk away. Make sure this is consistently important and special.
  • Pay attention to how you greet them.  It is amazing what affect a positive greeting can have on someones else’s self esteem.  How you part can also effect the self talk of the people you love.  Be positive and loving.  Look for ways to smile and touch them to convey affection.
  • Model the behavior you want.  Model the outward behavior of being more positive in your words and actions.  Also take responsibility for your own negative self talk.
• How Do I change my inner voice?
  • This is vital – you give what you have.  If you want to change how you react.  Understand and change your inner voice first, then learn to speak in a more positive way to your children. If the voice in your head is always negative….that is what you are unconsciously giving.  You don’t wake up in the morning deciding to be negative.  You just wake up in the morning and give what you have.  Change yourself then changing what you give will happen naturally.
  • One of my first blog posts was “We all do it… Self Talk”  The post explains self-talk and how to change it.
  • Pay Attention to the Big 4.  The Big 4 are Sleep, Exercise, Pleasure and Nutrition.  Their is a wealth of information and research about the positive effects of managing and controlling these areas.  You will be able to control your actions and emotions better by managing these areas.

What is your reaction to the quote?  What ways do you try to be positive with yourself and your kids?