Life for most men boys is an exasperating search for the absent father who has not yet offered protection, provision, nurturing, modeling, or, especially, acceptance. Many men they have given up the search and they act out the wound on who they love the most. Every man is longing for attention, affection and approval from a loving safe father.  All the men that you see struggling with marriage, jobs, kids and anger are suffering from Father Hunger.

They go through their adolescent rituals day after day for a lifetime, waiting for a father to validate them and treat them as good enough to be considered a man.

They call attention to their pain, getting into trouble, getting hurt, doing things that are bad for them, as if they are calling for a father to come take them in hand and straighten them out or at least tell them how a grown man would handle the pain.

They compete with other boys who don’t get close enough to let them see their shame over not feeling like men, over not having been anointed, and so they don’t know that the other boys feel the same way.

In a scant 200 years–in some families in a scant two generations–we’ve gone from a toxic overdose of fathering to a fatal deficiency. It’s not that we have too much mother but too little father.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10 

Grace is not opposed to effort, it is opposed to earning. Earning is an attitude. Effort is an action. Grace, you know, does not just have to do with forgiveness of sins alone.― Dallas Willard, The Great Omission: Reclaiming Jesus’s Essential Teachings on Discipleship

“Ask this question: how have you learned the Father? Search your heart until you know that you know that you know how you have learned Him.  Then, lay down all who you have learned him to be and ask the Him to come to you as His son, and reveal Himself as He truly is.

Father, I have learned you wrong. It would have been better to not know you than to have learned you wrong. I want to relearn you. Who are you? What is your heart? What is your way? What is your way with me? What is the love language you have between us? Father, daddy, this is all frontier.  But I choose this day to give more of me to more of you. I choose to stay and stay and stay again until I have received your heart for your wandering son.” – Morgan Snyder

Go to Pathway Bookstore to purchase the book

“We often try to hid our stories because sharing them can be risky. In this book, Sheneka and Mark have chosen to take the risk.”—Mike Chapman

Interweaving their life stories with Bible truths and sound mental-health principles, the writers offer a potent resource to help individuals overcome rejection, shame, and anger and to embrace a new identity.

Go to Pathway Bookstore to purchase the book

Stop looking outside Christ for validation and approval. Life doesn’t have to be a tireless effort to establish yourself, justify yourself, validate yourself. Don’t let other people define your happiness. Instead of trying so hard to manipulate life, take care of yourself on the inside. Then all those other attributes you’re so desperately seeking will find you eventually.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me – Galatians 2:20

The challenge ahead is that we must also allow ourselves to surrender to the truth of scripture before we will understand its validation. We must be willing to leave everything and follow him. Leave the desire to please others more than God.  Leave the desire to be served and serve others instead. Surrender is the key to validation.  Don’t cling, control, or manipulate with fear or shame. Surrender will bring the power, confidence and peace of God’s plan for you bringing validation and purpose to your life.

For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it – Mark 8:35

Surrender will bring the power confidence & peace of God’s plan for you bringing validation and purpose to your life

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We need to use scripture as a source for personal validation and defense.  Scripture is a shield against the arrows of doubt and shame. We tend to forget or minimize its authority as God’s word. God wants to confirm to us that Jesus came to secure what we could never secure for ourselves.  Rest in the truth that God has a plan for your life. Daily turn your life over to him. Look to the Father and you will find in scripture that confirms your validation.

If you spend any time with me you will eventually hear me talk about the metaphors that God uses in scripture to explain our relationship with Him.  I am fascinated with them.  They are a beautiful picture of God’s love, care, provision and affection for us. I have been pondering the idea that God really does want and enjoy us for several years.  Take some time to look over the metaphors that I have listed below.  Ponder them, ask God questions.  If you allow them to take root they will bring a confidence as you deal with life.  The lie that most of us struggle with is that we are alone.  It is all up to us, we have no one to help us or be with us along the journey.  The metaphors of scripture will help combat or erase that lie.  Imagine how much different your life would be if you were absolutely confident that God was with you.

Here are some of the metaphors that scripture uses to describe your relationship with God.  This is a good start and guide to help you understand your relationship with God.

• We are the clay, and He is the Potter – Jeremiah 18:1-6; Isaiah 64:8.  This is a good picture of God’s care for us and that He has a purpose and a plan for us.  The Potter creates with a purpose and plan.  He has no random creations, you have all have been made with a plan and purpose to be enjoyed by your creator.
• We are the vine, He is the Branch – John 15:1-11.  Everything we have follows to us through God’s strength and provision for our lives.  We find our being, and sustenance by remaining, continuing, persisting, lasting and enduring in the vine.
• We are the sheep, He is the Shepherd – John 10:1-18. We know and respond to His voice.  He cares, protects and provides for us.  Spend some time with a farmer.  Watch how well they know their animals, and how well the animals know and depend on the farmer.  Most of us are so removed from a farm that we have lost the beauty of this metaphor.  This is a rich picture of God’s protection, attentiveness and safekeeping of us.
• We are His children – Romans 8:17; Galatians 4:6. This is the first picture of a two way relationship.  God cares for us but we learn to love Him, not just for what does but for who He is. He knows…….
  • God knows all of our thoughts, habits and actions. “O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.” – Psalm 139:1-3
  • God knows our future. He knows us personally and plans for us. He provides the best for us, if we follow Him. “‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,’ says the Lord, ‘thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.’” – Jeremiah 29:11
  • God knew us before we were created, before we were even born! “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you;” – Jeremiah 1:5
  • God knows all our features and characteristics, He values us and cares for us greatly and more than we can imagine. “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” – Luke 12:7
  • God knows our name. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1
  • He made us and knows every detail of our lives! “See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;” Isaiah 49:16

• We are His friend – John 15:15. Friends share life, stories and joy together. God wants to walk with you through the joys and struggles and share your day to day life.  He wants to be the person that you talk about your day with. He invites us to stroll with Him in the cool of the day, talk, fellowship and enjoy His company as He enjoys ours.
• We are the bride, and He is the Bridegroom – John 3:29.  This relationship is about choice.  We must choose to love Him, again not for what does but for who He is.  This is a rich metaphor about God’s pursuit and desire for us.

“The courtship that began with a honeymoon in the garden culminates in the wedding feast of the lamb.” John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance 

The courtship that began with a honeymoon in the garden culminates in the wedding feast of the lamb.

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If you would like to read more take a look at my new book

Identity comes from a source. Identity is something that is given or bestowed while we are in relationship with others.  The validation of our identity is understood by how we impact others.  We have a longing to know that we matter in the lives of others, that we make a difference and that we can’t be replaced.

The problem is that we think we have to preform or earn something in order to be desirable. Once we find the formula or accomplishment that will bring us attention, we have to keep it going or risk the feeling of failure.

And so we live with the fear and burden of maintaining whatever it is about us that might get us noticed and the fear we will never be accepted or never be seen for who we really are. We develop a false functional self-image, even if it is negative. As a child most of us want to be noticed, “Look what I did!” was the cry of our heart.  We want to know that our existence has an impact on the world.

The problem is that others angry words form a unhealthy view.  We hear things like: “What do you think you’re doing? You’ve ruined it.” We believe our impact is awful; that we just foul good things up. We believe the identity of “I am just a screw up”. So we form a commitment to never be in a place where we can foul or screw things up again. Years later, friends and  colleagues wonder why we are disconnected, unwilling to risk. The answer lies in our identity, an identity we received from the perceived impact we had on the most important people in our lives and we make a vow to never be in such a place again.

So what do we do?  The willingness to risk and enter into relationships and life come from identity and validation of who we are.  The knowledge that we have value, worth and that we are loved give us the willingness to risk and believe that we can have impact in our world.  The only thing that can turn the tapes off in our head is the secure knowledge that we are loved and important.  The only secure source for this is a relationship with God.

If you would like to meditate or think more on your identity and validation that comes from God’s desire and concern for you look at the Letter From a Loving Father or How Does God Validate You and How Does God Validate You Pt 2

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Validation

Validation is – “to give official sanction, confirmation, or approval to”.

I have been pondering God’s validation for most of my life.  Over the years my understanding has grown. I have come to understand that validation comes from understanding who I am in Christ and understanding who God is. Validation comes when we understand who we are. Knowing yourself and knowing God are intricately connected together.  You can’t truly know yourself or God’s validation of you without living in relationship with Him.  We usually get caught up trying to get validation for what we do rather than who we are.

The metaphors that scripture uses to describe your relationship with God is a good start and guide.

• We are the clay, and He is the Potter – Jeremiah 18:1-6; Isaiah 64:8
• We are the vine, He is the Branch – John 15:1-11
• We are the sheep, He is the Shepherd – John 10:1-18
• We are His children – Romans 8:17; Galatians 4:6
• We are His friend – John 15:15
• We are the bride, and He is the Bridegroom – John 3:29

These metaphors are all a beautiful picture of intimacy, closeness and validation by God. Which metaphor do you identify with the most?  Do you identify with the metaphors that seem to be about use, or do you recognize the connection to position and identity.  True validation comes in sonship.  How do you respond – as a son, an orphan or a slave?  They are all members of the family, but they all act differently.  A true child has confidence, peace and strength in the knowledge and position of being the child of a loving Father.  Your journey ahead is growing in the understanding that you have a loving Father who is crazy about you.

This is validation.  God really does love you and is crazy about you.  You really are the apple of His eye. – Psalms 17:8.

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. Ephesians 1:3-6 MSG

Here are 3 other posts that can help

How Does God Validate You?

God Loves and Enjoys You

Validation

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Letter From A Loving Father

Many of us struggle with connecting to a loving father.  You may have had a wonderful father and are able to recognize the impact of his love and consistency in their life.  But sadly many become angry because of all the wounds that a father represents.  They have wounds from their father because of what he did or did not do.  These wounds prevent them from knowing their real Father – the one that knit them together in their mother’s womb because of His passionate love and desire for them.  You are wanted and enjoyed by your Heavenly Father.  Below is a list of scripture in the form a letter to you.  Read and meditate on them.

My Child ,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you – Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up – Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways – Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered – Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image – Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being – Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring – Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived – Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation – Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book – Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live – Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made – Psalm 139:14

And brought you forth on the day you were born – Psalm 71:6

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you – 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your father – 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could – Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father – Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand – James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs – Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope – Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love – Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore – Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing – Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you – Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession – Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul – Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things – Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me – Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart – Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires – Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine – Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you – Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart – Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes – Revelation 21:3-4

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth – Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus – John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed – John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being – Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you – Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you – 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love – Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me – 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again – Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen – Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father – Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is – Will you be my child? – John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you – Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

Source – Father’s Love Letter

Further Reading

Validation

How Does God Validate You

How Does God Validate You – Part 2

How does God validate you?  With the love and sacrifice of His son.  My head believes this but, does my heart and behavior reflect that?

Everything a man does is a search for validation

The question is not “if” a man is seeking validation.  The question is “where is he seeking validation from?”

To validate something is to “give official sanction, confirmation, or approval to it.”  What makes you feel like you have value and worth?  We are designed to want validation, the feeling of significance.  The problem is that  we try to get validation from what we think we can control or mange.  We avoid mystery and things we can’t control.  We seek validation from people, work, friends, accomplishments or our spouse.  They become the barometer of our feelings and worth.   The treadmill of acceptance can wear us out.  Always trying to please people or control situations.  The solution is that we kill our heart or hyper control our world.  We stop believing that we have value or significance in the world.  This will kill your heart, “the wellspring of life” – Proverbs 4:23.  Or we control the people in our world by killing them with kindness or managing everything by ourselves.  This will flat wear you out.

The problem is we keep God at arms length and try appease Him with church attendance and trying to be nice.  God’s love and acceptance is the key to value and significance. The journey of believing  brings freedom and renewed energy.  How does God validate you?

• He made you in his image and delights in you. – Genesis 1:27 ; Zephaniah 3:17
• He stubbornly loves you even when you are unlovable. – John 3:16
• God is for you not against you. – Romans 8:31
• His plans for you are good. – Jeremiah 29:11
• He has given you unique gifts, talents, and strengths. –  Romans 12:6

This is validation.  God really does love you and is crazy about you.  You really are the apple of His eye. – Psalms 17:8.

What do you do with this information.  These passages feel warm and overwhelming, but how do I own them?  How do I begin to believe them in a way that it changes my behavior?  Look up the seven scriptures print them or write them out.  Put them on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror.  Put them in your pocket, purse, in your car or in your office.  Meditate on them by reading them quietly in your heart and prayers.  Let thoughts and questions come up.  Ponder your questions as you read and re-read these scriptures in the light of the truth they present.  I am convinced that you will begin to know God and yourself in a more intimate way as you mediate on scripture.  It is only seven verses, read them ponder them and let them soak into your heart.  I trust that the God of all the universe will meet you there.

Psalm 37:5-6 (MSG)

If you would like to read more take a look at my new book

Here are 3 other posts that can help

How Does God Validate You? – Part 2

God Loves and Enjoys You

Validation

Subscribe to our Newsletter and recieve Validation: He Knows Your Name

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We will also send you the articule Validation: He Knows Your Name

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