The cliche about marriage is that it is “hard work.” The work of marriage is – Compromise and Connection.  Couples have to work hard to compromise, because most people usually just want our own way.  The area this surprising is connection.  Couples have to work to create regular shared experiences that create connection.

Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee interviewed successful couples to find out how people define a happy marriage. This list is the work of marriage.  These areas create the soil that grows compromise and connection.  They report their results in a helpful book called The Good Marriage. Here is a list of things they found that go into the making of a happy marriage:

1. Respect between the partners

2. Each person cherishes the other

3. Each person likes the other

4. Each finds pleasure and comfort in the other’s company

5. Emotional support of each other

6. Mutually satisfying physical intimacy

7. Expression of appreciation between the partners

8. The creation of fond memories

9. A feeling of safety, friendship, and trust

10. A feeling that the spouse is central to his or her world

11. An admiration of positive qualities such as honesty, generosity, decency, loyalty, and fairness

12. A strong sense of morality

13. The conviction that each person is worthy of being loved

14. A sense of reality, in that there are some problems but that they are surmountable

15. A view that each partner is special in some important regard

16. A sense that the marriage enhances each partner

17. The sense that there’s a unique fit between each partner’s needs and the spouse’s willingness and ability
to meet those needs

18. The sense that each partner is lucky to have the other

19. An equitable division of household tasks and child rearing

20. A sense that the success of the marriage is attributable to both partners

21. An ability to express both positive and negative emotions

22. A shared view that the marriage takes constant attention and work