I am surprised and saddened by how little couples are willing to live with.  I don’t mean stuff.  I mean relationship.  Couples tend to accept things the way that they are, believing that change will never happen, and then become afraid to voice their opinion.  People become busy or resentful and settle for less.  They may start out arguing about the crumbs that they give each other, but over time they seem to give up.  Couples that don’t argue are sometimes more wounded and disconnected then couples that argue all the time.

Happiness in marriage is not determined by how many arguments that you have.  Happiness is determined by how well you repair.  Couples fight and never repair, or worse they stop connecting.  The main reason that couples settle for less is that they become disconnected and stop growing together.  Then over time they give up and settle into ruts.  Here are some ways that couples give up:

What do strong, happy  couples do that make them happy?  Last week I posted Struggling Couples Make 2 Mistakes. This week I wanted to let you know what does research show will bring happiness to a marriage. When you see that happy couple laughing and cuddling at the movies or mall.  What are they doing right?  Happy couples have some common traits. Every couple is unique and different but their are common characteristics that make great fulfilling marriages.  Happy couples respond to each other with kindness as they experience life together.  Here are two things that happy couples do well.

We get married with a dream, a desire that marriage will be wonderful.  Life begins to happen and the couple starts to doubt that the dream will come true and hope begins to fade. They lose connection and struggle with compromise.  The lies set in, “is this what marriage is going to be like.”  Every marriage has seasons of struggle.  The problem for couples is that they lose hope when the season lasts to long. Marriage never changes with good intentions, it changes with intentional effort.  The problem for many marriages is that they put the effort in the wrong places or they just give up.

I genuinely believe that every marriage can be great, because I believe that God can redeem and restore anything.  I have seen Him do it again and again.  Don’t lose hope.  Here are two stumbling blocks to the process of change for hurting couples…. well every couple needs to avoid these attitudes.

We are a couple weeks into the year.  Some resolutions are starting to fade, some are sticking.  The most exciting part of change is that you can start it anytime of the year.  Change can happen this year.  Here are some simple things you can do now even without a resolution and create an atmosphere of connection and change.

I remember hearing people say during my childhood, “marriage is work”.  As a kid that meant something bad.  Work was something to get out of, and it never changed.  If marriage was work would I just try to get out of it because it never changed.  As an adult after over thirty years of marriage I have come to realize that the work of marriage is Compromise and Connection.  The good news is that they can get easier and they do change.

Seeing compromise as work makes sense because you are both different.  You have to compromise if you want to have any peace, and you can’t always get your own way.  Read the blog post 6 Arguments Every Couples Has to understand more about compromise.  The connection part surprises most.  What starts out so easy becomes hard.  The ability to connect and stay connected as a couple comes from shared experiences.  These shared experiences answer questions we ask consciously and unconsciously.

Every marriage has emotional question around security and connection. Susan Johnson in her book Hold Me Tight,  suggests three basic questions:

The first step toward a changed marriage and contentment with your spouse is to focus on the only thing you can control and change – yourself.  Marriages that struggle have one thing in common.  They focus on the other as the source of their unhappiness.  They begin to believe that the other is the cause of their struggles and they are depriving them of happiness.  Struggling couples make their spouse the focus of change.  They believe if they will just change, or if I could get out of this marriage then I would be happy.