{"id":1231,"date":"2015-04-22T08:00:07","date_gmt":"2015-04-22T12:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/?p=1231"},"modified":"2015-05-27T08:21:04","modified_gmt":"2015-05-27T12:21:04","slug":"what-destroys-a-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/?p=1231","title":{"rendered":"What Destroys a Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_1252\" style=\"width: 610px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.connectedtogether.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Destroys.png\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-1252\" class=\"size-full wp-image-1252\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.connectedtogether.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Destroys.png?resize=600%2C200\" alt=\"What Destroys a Marriage?\" width=\"600\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.connectedtogether.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Destroys.png?w=600&amp;ssl=1 600w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.connectedtogether.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Destroys.png?resize=300%2C100&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.connectedtogether.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Destroys.png?resize=518%2C173&amp;ssl=1 518w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.connectedtogether.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/Destroys.png?resize=82%2C27&amp;ssl=1 82w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-1252\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">What Destroys a Marriage?<\/p><\/div>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">We get married hoping and dreaming of the future. Everyone wants and believes that their marriage will last a lifetime. So how do these dreams get dashed on the rocks of despair for far to many couples? Some marriages fail because of addiction, adultery, or abuse but, most marriage fail because over time they become disconnected through a pattern of communication and neglect.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">Is it possible to predict whether marriage will last? \u00a0Researcher Dr. John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they\u2019ll divorce. Gottmans research has been the benchmark that others have used to understand how to improve marriage and his research has identified four types of communication that destroys a marriage.<!--more--><\/p>\n<p><strong>The Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">At the core of Gottman\u2019s research that he presents in\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work\/dp\/0609805797\">Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work<\/a>\u00a0are what he calls the \u201d\u00a0The Four Horsemen.\u201d These four things indicate that a marriage apocalypse is on its way:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"text-align: justify;\">\n<li><strong>Criticism<\/strong> \u2013 Every couple will complain at times but criticism is more global \u2014 it attacks the person, not their behavior. &#8220;They didn&#8217;t clean the kitchen or cut the grass because they forgot, but because they\u2019re <em>a bad person&#8221;<\/em>.\n<ul>\n<li>Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear &#8211;\u00a0<a class=\"bibleref\" href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Ephesians+4%3A29&amp;version=ESV\">Ephesians 4:29<\/a>\u00a0ESV<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Contempt<\/strong> \u2013 \u00a0this is\u00a0<em>\u201c\u2026name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and cynical or hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt \u2013 the worst of the four horsemen \u2013 is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It\u2019s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you\u2019re disgusted with him or her.\u201d<\/em>\n<ul>\n<li>Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you &#8211;\u00a0<a class=\"bibleref\" href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Ephesians+4%3A32&amp;version=ESV\">Ephesians 4:32<\/a>\u00a0ESV<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Defensiveness<\/strong> \u2013 <em>\u201c\u2026defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You\u2019re saying, in effect, \u2018The problem\u00a0isn&#8217;t\u00a0me, it\u2019s you.\u2019 Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it\u2019s so deadly.\u201d<\/em>\n<ul>\n<li>Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things &#8211;\u00a0<a class=\"bibleref\" href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=1+Corinthians+13%3A1-13&amp;version=ESV\">1 Corinthians 13:1-13<\/a>\u00a0ESV<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li><strong>Stonewalling<\/strong> \u2013 Tuning out or disengaging emotionally or physically. This doesn&#8217;t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship.\n<ul>\n<li>A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another &#8211;\u00a0<a class=\"bibleref\" href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=John+13%3A34-35&amp;version=ESV\">John 13:34-35<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">The point that needs to be emphasized is this a pattern of behavior. We all have bad days and struggle at times, but this type of interaction becomes that pattern of interaction. \u00a0My hope and prayer us that you will allow God to change your heart and create a pattern of positive interaction.<\/p>\n<h4 style=\"text-align: center;\">It is possible to change this pattern. \u00a0Look for future posts to explain this more and give the solutions to correct and repair this cycle of communication.<\/h4>\n<div id=\"mc_embed_signup\">\n<form id=\"mc-embedded-subscribe-form\" class=\"validate\" action=\"\/\/connectedtogether.us8.list-manage.com\/subscribe\/post?u=731f60a8db5fb6adc74671347&amp;id=344289a7f3\" method=\"post\" name=\"mc-embedded-subscribe-form\" novalidate=\"\" target=\"_blank\">\n<div id=\"mc_embed_signup_scroll\">\n<h2>Please subscribe to our mailing list to receive new posts:<\/h2>\n<div class=\"indicates-required\"><span class=\"asterisk\">*<\/span> indicates required<\/div>\n<div class=\"mc-field-group\"><label for=\"mce-EMAIL\">Email Address <span class=\"asterisk\">*<\/span><br \/>\n<\/label><br \/>\n<input id=\"mce-EMAIL\" class=\"required email\" name=\"EMAIL\" type=\"email\" value=\"\" \/><\/div>\n<div id=\"mce-responses\" class=\"clear\"><\/div>\n<p><!-- real people should not fill this in and expect good things - do not remove this or risk form bot signups--><\/p>\n<div style=\"position: absolute; left: -5000px;\"><input tabindex=\"-1\" name=\"b_731f60a8db5fb6adc74671347_344289a7f3\" type=\"text\" value=\"\" \/><\/div>\n<div class=\"clear\"><input id=\"mc-embedded-subscribe\" class=\"button\" name=\"subscribe\" type=\"submit\" value=\"Subscribe\" \/><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>This is a very good short video from the Gottman institute that explains the 4 horseman and their antidotes.<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute: Relationship Behaviors that Lead to Failure\" width=\"760\" height=\"428\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/1o30Ps-_8is?start=20&#038;feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We get married hoping and dreaming of the future. Everyone wants and believes that their marriage will last a lifetime. So how do these dreams get dashed on the rocks of despair for far to many couples? Some marriages fail because of addiction, adultery, or abuse but, most marriage fail because over time they become [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1231","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4Sr1n-jR","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1231","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1231"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1231\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1322,"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1231\/revisions\/1322"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1231"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1231"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.connectedtogether.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1231"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}