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3 Things Every Couple Needs To Stay Connected

We all long to find comfort, trust, and friendship in marriage. This is the work of marriage staying connected cultivating trust and friendship.  Here are three characteristics that you need to stay connected.love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.

  1. Accessible – You are emotionally open and Accessible when you are open and honest, willing to listen, willing to be a friend, willing to show your true self. Each partner must be willing to listen, really listen and if asked, give advice.
  2.  Responsive – You are tuned in and Responsive to each other when you or your spouse are anxious or unsure you can lean on each other.  You feel so connected that you are able to come back to each other after arguments or stress.
  3. Engaged – Couples are deeply Engaged with each other when they feel like they can confide in their partner and feel close to them even when they are apart. You know that your partner cares about your joys, hurts, and fears and you feel close and safe with them.  

Every couple needs to grow in these areas.  Relationships deal with struggles and stages in marriage but need to work at staying connected.  If you want to learn more you can take a questionnaire by subscribing to our newsletter that will show how you are doing with Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement.  

Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement Questionnaire (1)

Subscribe to our newsletter and download the Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement Questionnaire.  This can be a helpful tool to show how connected you are and feel as a couple

This information comes from marriage expert Dr. Sue Johnson, in her book Hold Me Tight. Sue Johnson is the creator of the effective Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT).

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Love Changes You

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I think I started out loving my wife for how she made me feel about myself.  It grew into loving her for she is.  As we have walked together my love for her comes from how I experience and see God in her.  We are being formed into the image of Christ daily.

I am thinking out loud… but if we are being formed into the image of Christ, how should it effect the way we relate to each other?  Just a simple thought, I think it should make us hunger to know God more.  When we spend time with each other it should bring questions and wonder that only God can answer. Their should be something about the way we relate that should create a longing for something more.

Our lives of abnormal love, joy, kindness, peace, patient self-control, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness should stand out.  I call it abnormal because that is not what is normal in the lives that I see. Learn to walk freely and lightly with Christ, as others see the face of God in you.

The Fruit of the Holy Spirit is nine attributes of a Christian life according to Paul in his Letter to the Galatians “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23

 

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Stop The Slow Drift Away

Rediscovery

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Most couples struggle to stay connected. It is usually not a big life event but a slow drift that pull couples apart.   Two things seem to create the drift.

  • Life Stage – This is Good things like jobs, kids, church or community involvement can pull a couple away from each other. Many times it is just busyness.
  • Life Struggles – This is things like health problems, addictions and couple conflict.

If the devil can’t make you bad he will make you busy – Dr. Mike Chapman

If the devil can’t make you bad he will make you busy – Dr. Mike Chapman
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You have to make your relationship the priority. Sometimes the priority is the struggle of scheduling, but many times it is just taking the time to focus on each other in a positive relaxed environment. Here are a couple of things that can keep you moving toward each other instead of drifting away.

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Your Trials Should Be Written In Sand

Everything Can Be Redeemed and Restored

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We are too prone to engrave our trials in marble and write our blessings in sand. -C.H. Spurgeon

This is a powerful but interesting quote. I think we all do it, we feel like our mistakes and our problems leave permanent scars and struggles. While at the same time thinking our blessings and the good things in life or just transitory. I’m convinced that we’re all called to be the remembering ones. The problem is when you only remember the bad things you have done or were done to you.   To much of your time and energy is spent arguing and replaying negative events in your head. Nothing you have done or has been done to you has gone too far that God can’t redeem, restore, or forgive, you can always have a second chance. 

Nothing has gone too far that God can’t redeem, restore, or forgive, you can always have a second chance
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A technique that I’ve used with myself and many others so we can do the opposite of this quote – to write our problems in sand and our blessings in marble. The technique is to reframe it. Take any picture you have in your home and put a different frame and a different mat around it.  The picture is still the same but you see it and interact with it in a completely different way. The new frame and mat cause you to see the colors, nuances and beauty of the picture in a completely different way. This is what you have to do with the experiences in your life that you call negative.

You have to reframe it with the knowledge that you are loved wanted and enjoyed by a good good father. Your wounds and scars should be your servant.  They should be a servant to the cross.  Your wounds and trails have created wisdom and strength.  Your blessings should be the beauty that inspires, strengthens and guides you. Our trials should be written in the sand.

Scars are beautiful when we see them as glorious reminders that we courageously survived – Lysa TerKeurst

 

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5 Things To Help You Move On

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Sometimes we have to move on.  Whether it is pain, regret or the hope of something more, we need to trust that God is with us.  My daily leap is to trust that God is really with me, and that He will work all things together for my good.  I choose to believe daily that this is true and not a cliche.  Here are some ideas to jump start moving on:

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Benefits of Marriage for Men

Ladies Be Kind With This Information

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.Proverbs 18-22

Men have a hard time discussing and showing emotions.  The research shows that men are just as emotional as women they just struggle showing it.  Emotional communication tends to produce more physiological arousal in men—they experience it more stressfully.  Men have to work harder to stay calm during conflict.  One of the solutions is guys need to focus on how important their marriage is.  Men need to know the work of dealing with their own overwhelming emotions is worth it to themselves and their family.

Guys the information in this post is to help you focus on the fact that you are loved and important to your family, but your family makes life rich for you.  Men need to know they have what it takes, they need to feel honor and respect from their wives and family.

Men do much better married, here are some statistics that show prove it:

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You Are Special, Distinctive and Important

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Many people struggle during the winter.  We come off the hectic holidays with high expectations and then enter into the dark deary winter dreaming of daffodils, tulips and green grass.  We want and need to see beauty and hope again.

My emotions see to take me down paths that bring darkness not light.  I have to go to something bigger than me to find balance, so I run to God and his word.  Here are some of my favorite Scriptures:

  • Psalm 139:14 where God says,“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
  • God tells me in Psalm 17:6-8, “I am the apple of His eye.”
  • In Deuteronomy 7:6, God tells me that I am “His treasured possession.”
  • In Philippians 4:8, God tells me to think about whatever is “true, noble, right, pure, and lovely.”

My goal is to think about the truth that God tells me and spend my time thinking about what God says is true. The last Scripture I want to share is Psalm 119:114, “You are my refuge and my shield. I have put my hope in your Word.” My confidence and hope is in God and that I am the Lord’s treasured possession.

Take time to let His word marinate into your heart.  Look for beauty in the simple things and know that you are loved and important to the heart of God.

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name – Bethel Music – It Is Well

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3 Qualities Every Marriage Has

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Every marriage has these three areas – Chemistry, Companionship and Commitment.  Learn to intentionally strengthen them together.

  • Chemistry – This is attraction, that indescribable pull to the other person that is different for every couple.
    • Action Point – Kissing – You need to kiss more.  Learn to kiss and touch in non-sexual ways daily.  One German study found that men who kiss their wives every day live five years longer than the men who didn’t
  • Companionship – This is simply friendship.  Your partner should be your best friend.
    • Action point – Establish a time each week to spend quality time together – then guard that time with your lives. 88% of happy couples have a weekly date night.

“It is when we are doing things together that friendship springs up — painting, sailing ships, praying, philosophizing, and fighting shoulder to shoulder. Friends look in the same direction.” C. S. Lewis

  • Commitment – This should come from your faith and character.  It is the the glue that keeps you together when chemistry and companionship seem weak. Commitment provides safety and the ability to strengthen and soothe one another during the stress and struggles life brings.
    • Action Point – Forgiveness is the cornerstone of commitment.  You have to be willing to forgive and hang on to that forgiveness as you rebuild trust.

Loving each other for a lifetime means continuing courtship and never taking it for granted. 

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A Good Marraige

Compromise And Connection

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The cliche about marriage is that it is “hard work.” The work of marriage is – Compromise and Connection.  Couples have to work hard to compromise, because most people usually just want our own way.  The area this surprising is connection.  Couples have to work to create regular shared experiences that create connection.

Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee interviewed successful couples to find out how people define a happy marriage. This list is the work of marriage.  These areas create the soil that grows compromise and connection.  They report their results in a helpful book called The Good Marriage. Here is a list of things they found that go into the making of a happy marriage:

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Grace is What We Live By

Grace is not opposed to effort, but to earning

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If we truly believe something it should produce behavior.  My struggle is has been to balance allowing Grace to pervade my life and realizing that I should put effort into my walk with Christ.  I become like a pendulum swinging to the extreme of thinking grace means I don’t have to do anything, or the other extreme of earning and working.  Trying to do it all by myself.   Grace is God acting in our life to do what we cannot do on our own. Effort is an action of what we believe.  

Grace is not opposed to effort, but to earning. Earning is an attitude. Effort is an action. Grace is not just about forgiveness — if we had never sinned we would still need grace! Grace is God acting in our life to do what we cannot do on our own. Grace is what we live by and the human system won’t work without it. The saint uses grace like a 747 jet burns gas on takeoff! – Dallas Willard

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” – Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG)