“It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name….That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still.” – Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy, and Fairy Tale
We are all connected to something larger then ourselves. This truth grounds us and makes sense of our journey.
We get married hoping and dreaming of the future. Everyone wants and believes that their marriage will last a lifetime. So how do these dreams get dashed on the rocks of despair for far to many couples? Some marriages fail because of addiction, adultery, or abuse but, most marriage fail because over time they become disconnected through a pattern of communication and neglect.
Is it possible to predict whether marriage will last? Researcher Dr. John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine, with 91% accuracy, whether they’ll divorce. Gottmans research has been the benchmark that others have used to understand how to improve marriage and his research has identified four types of communication that destroys a marriage.
Somehow we get lost. The busyness and stress of life distract us from what is important. We become critical consumers looking or demanding for someone to meet our needs. The interesting way that God made us is that true happiness is found giving to others. Our biggest challenge and responsibility is to serve and love our spouse.
Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. Romans 13:8-10
Your spouse is your first neighbor. Everything about your faith and relationship with Christ is summed up in how well you love your spouse. Your biggest responsibility in marriage is to love your spouse, not to change them. You are to love your mate. Then allow God to change them, and in the process change you. The interesting and amazing thing is when you allow God to change you, somehow He changes your spouse also.
Holding hands is so simple but profound. The attention and affection that you show by holding each others hand brings feelings of security and attachment. Research has shown that holding hands can reduce stress hormones in the brain. Holding your partner’s hand when they are experiencing stress can help them feel calm. Holding hands with the one you love is relaxing and can even lower the intensity of a fight.
There is connection and importance in the simple act of physical touch and holding hands. When you intentionally reach for the one you love, it gives them attention, affection and approval. Take the time to relax and hold hands often.
The work of marriage is compromise and connection. No one is immune to this and it will last the life of the marriage. This is the wonderful and difficult struggle that every marriage goes through, it is normal. You can create a happy, fulfilling marriage by working and creating connection and reducing conflict. The research of Dr John Gottman has identified three things that will create connection in marriage. Here are some quick comments about the three areas, but go to the links to read a more detailed description.
The primary thing that couples are always building and protecting is the strength of their emotional connection. Shared experiences together along with creating positive affirmation are the first steps to building emotional connection. The next step is to find friends and environments that support your marriage and to understand that real happiness is up to you.
“We do not quit playing because we grow old, we grow old because we quit playing.” Oliver Wendell Homes
Every couple needs to play. This is how many couples connect. I know this may sound superficial, but when you begin to struggle with conflict or communication, take the time to create the soil that will bring change by playing and connecting first. Before you go to the table to talk, go to the sofa and play first. You have to play many problems away before you try to talk them through. Many conflicts will shrink if you take the time to connect and play.
Over the years my wife and I have learned that when we seem to misunderstand each other and start to struggle it is because we have stopped playing. Life and stress pulls us apart, the results are that we struggle with differences that in the long run just don’t matter.
Express interest, empathy and concern about what is happening in your partner’s world. Everyday we consciously and unconsciously respond, or fail to respond, to our partners request for connection. These requests can be as simple as asking, “How was your day?” Learn to ask questions that show you are interested in their day-to-day life. The sad thing is we fail to respond to their question or attempts to connect. Over time if you fail to respond or show interest it can create serious damage to the relationship. Real connection is possible when you ask open-ended questions about your partner’s internal world of thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears.
One of the pitfalls in communication and conflict is criticism or blame. Learn to focus on the need instead of the criticism. Instead of saying, “You never help me with the house work house,” learn to state what you do need by saying, “Can we work together to clean the house, I would really appreciate some help.” Avoid using statements like “You never…” or “You always…” The goal is to remain positive in conflict by listening to your partner without criticizing, becoming defensive, shutting down, or acting superior. Learn to handle conflict with mutual respect, humor, interest, openness while acknowledging your partner’s ideas and feelings.
